I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
