Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
