So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Randomize
