I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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