I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
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Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
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Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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