I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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