Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
