my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
