Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my shit smells like andre
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
