1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
