I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
