i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
