I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Randomize
