On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
