i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
