You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
