I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm at about main and main street
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize