I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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