I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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