Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
