There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
