Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
