Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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