all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
