I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
