so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
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My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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