So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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