I feel like abortions should bother me more
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
