Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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