Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
