Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
