I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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