so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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