Where did you get a picture of my penis
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
