I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
