i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
