found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
