when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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