So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
