i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
