ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
