I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
