I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
