well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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