I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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