defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
