"it" just moved
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
