he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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