You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
