i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
