You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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