this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
