You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
