Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
