Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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