Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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