so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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