i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
