I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
