my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
