I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
