what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
