I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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